Dear Gillette, we need to talk...

Dear Gillette,

It is with a heavy heart (and an itchy arm pit) that I write you this letter today. I have thought about this long and hard and I simply don’t see another way out of this. I am having an affair. NO! Please don’t stop reading! I didn’t have the courage to tell you face to face, but I need you to hear me out! Please, I beg of you... hear me out...

Since you left two shaves ago things have been tough for me; hair on my legs, hair under my arms. I didn’t know what else to do! I looked for you, waited for you, but you never came. I was desperate! I also have needs you know; I’m only a woman. I know it must sound like I’m making excuses, I know, but it is not as if I meant for it to happen – HEAVENS NO! – You know you’re the only one for me!

I’ve missed you, you know... your triple protection formula... your light scent... your soothing touch of aloe... You’ve always expressed the utmost care for my sensitive skin; you’ve always made me feel... safe. I’ve always been taken good care of; you’ve not once given me reason to be concerned for nicks and cuts, dryness or redness. I’ve always known an incredibly smooth shave. I’ve been more lucky than a whole lot of other woman out there. How could I betray you like this? What have I done?! *sobbing in hands – smudged mascara everywhere – peeking through her fingers seeing if it is having the desired effect of pity and forgiveness* (It doesn’t seem that way... she sobs even louder.)

I know things haven’t exactly been smooth gliding between us lately, but I’m begging you; please forgive me – give me another chance. Soap was nothing more than a cheap fling – a back-up plan, a convenience, I swear! He’s nowhere near as smooth a glide as you are. I’ve done nothing but itch to tell you to please come back; let’s work it out – the two of us. I know we can formulate anti-friction again! You’re the only safeguard for my skin, baby.

Some might not think it to be a big deal, but I can see the error of my ways now. My good friend, Teatree, tried to sooth me, but now I know for sure: You – GILLETTE – are the only cream for me!

Please forgive me. Please say you will...